I -need- to stop staying up so late. All it does is gets me depressed.

... It's nights like these when I wish I could talk to him and he could lull me to sleep. He fell asleep hours ago though u_u

Reading his old blog doesn't help. It makes me just feel like I'm farther away from everyone, somehow.

Question for self: Do people ever really change? Really?

The idea that I'm obstructing people from showing their real emotions due to my "appearance" on Live Journal as well as other places ultimately just makes me want to go to some isolated blogging spot and hang there and never come out. Same with Gaia, DeviantArt, AIM... practically EVERYTHING. I'm so tired of it. If anything, I like listening to the truth.

In other words, I'm tired of everyone holding in what they feel. Not out to change the world, but just trying to get through life without feeling like people are talking behind my back or thinking to themselves incorrect judgements instead of just putting it out there. It makes me feel like the only way I'd ever hear a God-honest opinion of me and the things I do (OR ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD) is if I were dead and people were talking at my funeral, and even then I know the truth wouldn't come out. I'd rather people think I'm not around and spread their real thoughts than to be around and feel this... weird anxiety. It's really annoying! I know I can't force such things, and I'm really not trying to change anything, but I thought that was just something everyone learned as kids - to have honesty as the best policy.

Also in other words - online hermit-i-tude sounds like a good plan to make everyone else happy. JOY. x] And yes, I just made up the word "hermit-i-tude".

Just one more try... God, what happened to "honesty is the best policy" and "faith is love"? Maybe I'm just naiive here, but I thought those were, you know, important.

And my last turn: EMO EMO EMO EMO EMO. EMO. D;

... I need sleep again.

This week's gonna be a long week before winter break.

Note to self: Cursing won't make the week go faster.

I HATE HATE HATE how I keep doing this.

I keep torturing myself, by thinking about what's going on with so and so NUMBER. (if you don't understand the number reference see previous post) I can't seem to stop. It's really abundant in the middle of the night when there's no one to talk to.

Things I torture myself with usually include...

Why does number 7's exgirlfriend have to be so pretty when he's such a freakin' jerk?

Why does number 5 have to be such a good musician?

Why does number 8's life make me feel guilty even though I had nothing to do with it (so it seems)?

Why did number 7.5 (another guy for another time) have to be so wonderfully nice but so far away?

Why did number 8.5 (another story as well) have to give me such headaches before but now causes heartaches?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

...Winter Ball is tommorrow. = = Must think about dancing. Or dressing up really pretty. Or taking pictures. OR SOMETHING.

Maybe if I stop the screaming in my head I can temporarily be normal again. (Well, normal for me, but you [whomever reads this] understand [hopefully].)

Wait, no. Not just maybe. I NEED to STOP the SCREAMING in my head. And soon.

Today is a day of numbers. Not just ordinary numbers. Number of exboyfriends. Because half the time I realise healing deals with, well, basically not mentioning certain people's names, I started numbering my boyfriends and exboyfriends.

This is what happened today.

-I expected fear from ex number 7 (Lance) on Gaia. Didn't get any. Oh well. :'D
-Bumped into ex number 3 (David) at lunch. He didn't recognise me. Thank God.
-Read blog ex number 5 (Alex) before buying winter ball dress. Wondered about why life is so weird and people who you feel were meant for you aren't.
-Thought of ex number 8 (James) in first, while learning the difference between "tuyo" and "tus"
-Made ex/current number 6 (Derek) wait while doing homework.

3, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Gee, what a lovely set.

Thoughts about 3 - Nope. I don't really care. He and I broke up 'cause he wasn't mature enough, and you know, now that I'm older, that's okay. It's kind of sad though that this was the case when he's older than me, and I was... 12, around that time.

Thoughts about 5 - Reading back, I feel so immature about how I acted. And I want to visit England so badly again... not because of the idea of having another overseas romance (To be blunt, I always found that Melody was better for him than me anyway - I wasn't so much of a great soul mate), but because Alex meant so much to me, during the relationship and afterwards.

Although, the honest thought is, is that if I ever had the chance to be with Alex again, I really am curious to know how it'd be... I'm so much more mature now, and I know so much more now, but would I just be a failure again?

Pity people don't get a second chance. Blarg.

Thoughts about 6 - So much stuff about him... I wish I could stop accusing him of lying. But I still love him, so much. And he and I may be having our difficulties (Ugh, reminders of last weekend's fight is still lingering) but at least we're sorting it out. And at least our relationship has ended up being my most successful one.

...God, it's almost been three years since he and I met! So many memories, good and bad. I just hope the good outweigh the bad now, and that this love doesn't change.

Thoughts about 7 - Go die in a ditch, kthx? :3

Thoughts about 8 - Too early for me to talk like that. But I wonder, ya know?

What bothers me so much though is that with this initial set of numbers, they all kept promises and really, it was when I started believing that each guy that I dated within this initial set was "the one" - the one I'd marry, live with, grow old with, sex up and have kids, etc. etc. etc.

And all that ended up happening when we broke up was incredible disappointment.

This has consumed... uhm, maybe 6 years of my life now?

Something tells me in this life time that finding a real soul mate will be difficult.

How incredibly bothersome...

Lance H. (12/6/2006 9:22:44 PM): Uh, hey look. I thikn it's about time to just break the tie between us. I'm mean, I did my best to be nice, and well you still hold grudges... and well you don't really talk to me. So I guess it's just about time to say good bye. It was a good run while it lasted. Have a good one.

Yeah, thanks for ruining my life! I mean, why else would I, you know, hate your guts? I mean, I MUST have a good reason for hating you when you tried to turn every friend you could get your hands on to go against me, and when you lied to me CONSECUTIVELY for months on end in some sort of demented way to get me back.

...Have a good one too, you idiot. :'D I bet you'll try to "apologise" to me in about three months, so do me a favor and leave me alone for good this time.

I'm not really mad or depressed at this, I just find him so... pathetic. How the hell did I fall inlove with such an absolute moron?

Sigh.

I just hope James never does anything like that. I have enough moronic ex-boyfriends in my life most of the time.

At least the only current ex-boyfriend in my life is Derek, and he's changed enough so that when we fight he's mature enough to want to talk it out.

I need to sleep.

How come lately I'm so depressed?

I really don't get this. It's like, I'll be fine most of the time, but there are times at night, late into the night when I'm usually working on an essay (Putting off Huck Finn - Gawsh darn it, that silly Mark Twain!) where I start thinking about crap. Crap like how Melody wasn't the only one who drifted off and isn't quite as close as we used to be. How even though James and I broke up months and months ago, he still pops up in my head in the most inconvinient times, like when I think I'm truly fine without him. How sometimes I wonder if Derek is going to break my heart again, even though I try so hard to trust him. How I haven't had good friends really stick by me since who knows when. How I can't really talk to anyone about how stressed out and tired and depressed I feel 'cause everyone's trying to get on with their life.

Why do I have to be the difficult one and show everything I feel? I mean, I know letting your emotions out and dealing with them as they go is much stronger than just shoving them away in a bottle and I know that now. But does it have to hurt so much?

No matter what age I am, I always feel like I'm the only one around me who dares to show any real emotion, anything that's truly and honestly pure. It's just that simple for me - when I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm sad, I'm sad. I don't understand how others push their feelings aside, but it's so hard for me to feel like I can succeed in life without that trait for some reason.

It sucks really bad though. I am rarely depressed or angry at the actions of others; infact, I am mostly depressed because I am upset with the way I am. I am often upset with myself, and I suppose it's from a lack of self-acceptance. These last few nights I find myself trying to distract myself from writing my papers because I just end become a mess of tears while I start at my digital notepad, and many of the time the reason why I cry is because I'm not happy with myself.

It's frustrating, not to mention it's preventing me from finishing my homework when it should be done.

Such a hopeless feeling...

There was a bomb search today at school, on a what seemed to be a very boring Thursday. We ended up on the news. I don't think anyone really payed attention to the whole part about the bomb when that happened, because mostly I kept hearing, "OMG WE'RE ON TV!!"

...But that's not the point of this!

Monday: Possible dance class (Jayvee, Arthur Murray, etc... must decide on a dance studio!)
Tuesday: Ditto Monday
Wednesday: EmpoWord (if I get in)
Thursday: Pride Alliance
Thursday: Drama Club
Friday: Otaku Anime Club (if I get in)
Somewhere in there: Future part time job
Also somewhere in there: Art stuffs (commissions, own stuff, etc.)
And again somewhere in there: Sewing time for cosplays and crap
And AGAIN in there: School
And once more with feeling: Homework and free time

... Godddddd.

I'm busy. And getting busier!

I kinda like it though.

It makes up for my lack of activities in the past two years. Other than dating guys. And it's kind of sad that now I've lost even number eight... yeah, James and I broke up a little more than a week ago.

In other news, I finally found my tablet pen, so I can finally start drawing again! @#$%^, no one has any clue how relieved I am to be able to draw on the computer again. Although, to be honest, I've been spending most of the online time that I have (which is very little) usually IMing or on Gaia or looking at shiny art or playing Trickster with Derek. Which is really fun! I'm a lot faster levelling this character than I was with my last. It's really kind of odd. Instead of taking weeks on getting to level 10 I got there in less than four hours of gameplay. Weird.

Speaking of games, I got hooked onto Pokemon again! I swear, that addiction just NEVER dies! I don't think it will die this time either x.x But I really want Mystery Dungeon: Red Rescue Team nowwwww. Must get ittttttt!!

...Anyway, in conclusion, life is weird, I'm busy, and someone should hand me my lameness award now. n.n ♥

MOSTLY DIRECTED AT FINNI/DISTORT FACADE/LANIE/WHOMEVER:

I'm sorry I'm not gonna be able to finish my Digimon FDD site, post in distort_facade or gaiaonline, reply to comments in VARIOUS journals, do any reading, etc. etc. ET CETERA. @#$%^! I'm busy up to my ears.

I now officially hate studying the Declaration of Independence, kthx. I LOVE what it did to this country, but jeez.

COSPLAY CRAP should start soon, yaaaaay~~~ I'm thinking about working on my Yuna (FFX) and/or Elena (FFVII) cosplay soon~ Turks for life! :'D

Mm'kay I'm done now x___x BACK TO WORK

Freakin' internet connection hates me lately and won't let me get on half the time when I need it... It finally started working at midnight after TWO HOURS of trying to figure out what the hell was wrong. I mean, seriously - it overheats when I'm using it too MUCH, and it overheats when I use it too little... what the hell man @@ But now it's super hard to concentrate and I hate working on the Declaration of Independence at like 12:30 at night...

But I've been SO busy lately. So tired. So busy. Ugh. I mean, it's good busy, but weird, at the same time. I'm not used to going to school near home. I forgot how bad my back could get from walking home everyday @___@ Trying hard to get a 4.0... ugggh, kinda screwed myself over already though. Got a B on a Geometry test and I didn't write my homework down correctly for Geometry today either so screw it I'm stuck at 3.8-3.75 GPA like I usually do. Oh well.

Let's see... three things on my mind right now that I really wanna rant about today...

( Aaahhhh @#$%^... I might as well distract myself. )

That's about everything on my mind, I guess. I should go back to dumb-i-fying the declaration of independence.

Disappeared.

Err, in the process of disappearing.

Going from a somebody to a nobody.

No, I'm not babbling off KH2 fandom nonsense. I'm kind of serious... if you know what I'm talking about. I'm not being some weird Namine fanatic.

I don't suppose I'll be back to being a somebody for a while, not until I find my "heart" again. I don't like this anymore, it hurts a little too much.

I want out of here. I don't want to be a somebody anymore... if this is what it's like. Having my feelings hurt all the time is tiresome. I'd rather be without a "heart" if this is what it's like.

I'll be back, someday. I promise I'll be back, safe and sound.

In chatspeak, I suppose you can just say I'm "bee arr bee"-ing.

If you catch onto what I'm really saying... I congratulate you. ♥